The Emerald Archer

I gotta get something off my chest before it becomes and ulcer, or I go nuclear and slap the shit out of somebody. I got something in my craw, dammit.

History:
Seven or eight years ago, I was involved in a collective called "Actors for Actors," who would gather and get feedback on monologues, experiment with new material, and generally be creative and work together to get better at their craft. Great group. We're still all friends, if not as close anymore.

I used to do a lot of writing, thinking I'd be able to actually be a writer of theatrical drama. I didn't have many ideas, but whatever. I did have one idea, and at the time I was going to use it, but abandoned it to try to improve my Karma. It was called "Fat Jesus," and it was about Jesus Christ, proselytizing through stand up comedy. I had an overweight, risen Christ, prattling away in present day comedy clubs. It was pretty funny, because the jokes were all VERY UNFUNNY. One day, some of his disciples come to see the show and that's pretty much how I left it at that time. My friends Brian, Michelle, Tara, and a bunch of others were there, and enjoyed the shit out of it. So much so we did a few more readings, trying different actors who just wanted to taste my awesome monologue.

I didn't abandon the idea. A few years later I changed it up, made it a humorous drama between Fat Jesus and a prostitute that just happened to be named Mary. I still think it has potential.

Cut to early last year.....

I get an email from Michelle, asking about that Jesus sketch, as she was thinking it would be a good concept for a show at the Fringe Festival. I didn't have the original, but I sent her the updated concept, and that really wasn't what she was looking for. She, Brian, and Tara were going for something along the lines of my original concept. Jesus doing stand up comedy. She asked for my permission to use the idea, and I gave her my blessings.

Here's the important part:
Michelle asked for MY BLESSING to use MY IDEA for a show for the fringe festival last year. My idea. Mine. That I came up with, after reading a sketch in the same group about Jesus who was roommates with Satan. That was a great sketch too, written by Justin Garnder, whom I credited, who doesn't write stuff like that anymore, much to my disappointment. Anyway. Jesus, stand up comedy, my idea, I allowed them to use.

Thus, "Jesus Christ - King of Comedy" was born, and I was collaborating on and off throughout the entire writing process, serving as a consultant basically, and they were very cool about including me, even though I was unable to provide them with the original sketch. I was also unable to recreate it myself. It had been far too long, so they did their best with what they remembered.

I received no credit. No "Thank you." Nothing.

Those who were in the group and knew where the idea originated, told me it was good and they really took my idea and ran with it.

Cut to now:

Now those guys are using the success of that show, (which admittedly I did not see because I couldn't afford it at the time, nor was I offered a comp) to promote their new one, which (also admittedly) I have absolutely nothing to do with.

But they are saying, and I quote, "From the creators of Jesus Christ, King of Comedy..."

Well, not exactly.

Goddammit.

...knows how to make sushi at home.

I am not that man, but I do know how to do it now. I did it Last Thursday, on International Sushi Appreciation Day, or whatever it was. It was Facebook's idea, and I do whatever facebook says. I also did it, just to make sure I knew how, on Father's day for my girlfriend's dad, who LOVES sushi.

Here's what you do, because you can do this!

Go to that Asian market that you drive by sometimes and say "Oh cool, an Asian market." Walk in and get some sushi rice (short grain rice). It'll say "sushi rice" on the bag. Get some of that, and some seaweed wraps, and some rice vinegar. What you put in it is up to you. My Victoria does not like fish, so I get a little fish for me, and some stuff that's not fish for her. I'm not going to tell you what to put in yours, but I can tell you it doesn't matter in the least what you put in. You can be as creative as you like. Shop with imagination when making sushi. The options are endless. In the checkout line you'll find yourself wondering how you got all that stuff for so little, and then you'll be shopping there for EVERYTHING. (The market I found is just south of 95th and I-35, on the west side of I-35, behind the O'Reiley Auto Parts place, and it is AWESOME.) Note that you will have to buy your fish frozen, more than likely, unless you have a seafood department in your grocery store that handles sushi grade fish.

Ok. so now you're at home looking at all the stuff you bought. Here's what you do now.

First thing, make the rice.

Don't just start cooking it. It doesn't work like that. To get it really sticky, and you do want it really sticky, you have to do a simple process that is fool proof. I know it is because Alton Brown said so, and I've done it twice without incident. Here's the process:

Rinse 2 cups of rice using a mesh colander and the pot you'll be cooking it in . Put the rice in the colander and the colander in the pot and fill with water. stir it around good to get everything rinsed. I don't have any idea what you're rinsing off, but after about five rinses, the water will be clear, or close enough to clear to be moving on.

NOW. You can cook the rice.

Throw 2 cups of water in with your 2 cups of cleaned rice. Bring it to a boil. As soon as it comes to a boil, cover the pot and set your heat to the lowest possible setting and let it cook for ten minutes. Don't think you can save some time by doing other prep work during this time, because it won't help. Just wait. At the end of ten minutes, pull the rice off the heat, leave covered and let it set for fifteen minutes. Now you can do something productive while you wait.

I don't know the science for this next part, so I just assume it's magic and respect the process. This is what turns the rice into awesomeness.

I like to use one of those pyrex measuring cups for this part. because it's got a good spout on the lip of it. Pour in 2 tablespoons of sugar, and 2 tablespoons of rice vinegar, and a bit of salt. throw that in the microwave for a minute or so, then take it out and mix the sugar and vinegar together into kind of a simple syrup.

Now, at the end of letting the rice steam for fifteen minutes, put the rice into a glass bowl. Metal isn't good for this part. I don't know why. Like I said, it's magic.

Add the vinegar syrup stuff to the rice slowly, a little at a time, folding it in completely. Sometimes on food shows they tell you to stir something in to something else, but they just poke at it for a second and move on. Be thorough. Don't fuck around, and be gentle, doing your best to coat each grain of rice.

There. Now you have to let the rice cool to room temperature. Since this takes a while, and you're all wound up from folding rice, you can go ahead and do the prep work on the rest of your ingredients. I suggest you bone up on your julianne skills. I have no real instructions for you here. Just make everything look like it does in the restaurants. Not hard.

Now you are ready to start rolling up sushi. Oh crap. You forgot to buy a rolling mat, didn't you. Now would be the time to go get it. When you get back, I'll tell you the rest.

..............................

Ok. Now. You've seen in the restaurants that they wrap their mats in saran wrap, right? I found if you put it in a big ziplock bag, it's the same thing. works great, and you don't have to fumble with that crap.

Throw a piece of seaweed on the mat, wet your hands and grab some rice and throw it on the seaweed, pressing it in a thin layer to the edges, leaving about an inch at one end. Put whatever filling you want on the rice and roll it up, using the mat. If you wet the seaweed at the end, it makes a nice seal that won't open up.

See how easy that is? You'll find yourself using the leftover rice too. Just roll it into balls and snack away. It's SO GOOD.

Hope you enjoy.

Here's what my sushi looks like to me:




Here's what it would look like to you:

...sucks more balls than the heaven that Liberace enjoys at this very moment.

Promoters - the laziest of the lying dirt bags that suck the life and money out of the bands that they rely on.

Club Owners - the worst degenerate, evil cocksuckers I've ever met. They only swallow if your seed is made of pure evil, the rest they spit back in your face.

Doormen - fucking thieves, every one.

We played at Aftershock in Mission last Saturday. That club has amazing sound, and it was probably the best show we've played since the first Riot Room gig we did. It is truly a shame that nobody promoted it, the only people that showed up were girlfriends and family, most of whom they did not comp, despite our agreement, the doorman stole every cent from the door, and the club owner was charging the bands for their drinks, be they diet cokes for two bucks or tiny cocktails for four.

That was an UNPRECEDENTED level of ass-fucking. Up to this point, we've pretty much broke even at gigs. This was the first one where it was OBVIOUS from our arrival that we'd get fucked.

We did the gig, totally rocked the place, made the rest of the bands look like amateurs (or we would have if our singers had buckets to carry tunes in. lol), and had a good time doing it, which to most of them is what it's all about.

My problem is, I see the seedier side to it. I don't like being cheated, and I'm wanting to do something about it. But what? A strongly worded letter?

I'm at a loss. Especially since quitting isn't an option.

Monday night, June 15th,local filmmaker Timothy Harvey will be shooting the crowd scene for his new film, and needs extras.

The film is a riff on the 1920 classic "The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari."

Costumes for the extras: men in dark suits, white shirts without collar buttons... we're trying to evoke the clothing styles of the late 1800's up through the 1930's... long dark coats are good. dark ties, which we will tie like bow ties, etc. as many with hats as possible, bowlers, fedoras, etc.

Women:  as close to the period as possible, although this is a challenge. long dresses, simple, higher collars and long sleeves, wraps or shawls. again, hats, wide brimmed, "Sunday come to meeting" sort of things.
Rob Zombie based the look of the video for "Living Dead girl" on "Caligari"... that's the idea for the look.

Please contact Timothy Harvey on myspace or facebook, and let him know you'll be there.

www.myspace.com/timothys_place

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=675882113

or give him a call at 816.786.3354

I've worked with Tim once before and was very impressed with his organization and professionalism. And he's a great guy too.

Curtis
The Severed Right Hand

Zombie Walk!!!!

It's been a while. I know. Thought I'd do an update. ( It's a long one. )

First thing to say is that ConQuesT was pretty fun. I got to hang out with chernobylred finally. She's such a lovely person, so incredibly classy and sweet, and I'm so glad I didn't fall apart, what with being in the presence of that sort of hotness. I enjoyed her company immensely.

There's a dude at that con, and that I used to be really close to, that these days I typically go to great lengths to avoid. Out of an act of charity on my part, I let him hang for a bit in my room. He has a sneaky way of extracting information about where my room is and what I'm doing. It's maddening, but I let it slide once and let him come hang. That was a mistake. I was having a smoke with chernobylred and some other folks, and Paul is sitting near us, and about every few minutes he lets out a tremendous belch, chased with the kind of fart that could end a marriage. I was so embarrassed. Then he deuced in my bathroom, left the door open and split. I did not allow him back in. That kind of stuff drives me crazy. It's kind of a road hazard at a con, dealing with people's bad habits, and I'm not perfect, but I would have liked my friends, new and old, to feel safe from displays of bodily functions. I think my friend Justin asked him not to pester me, which I appreciated. I don't have a lot of courage when it comes to tromping on a person's perceived reality, but I would really like to find a way to explain to him that I'm not as fond of him as he is of me. I'll work it out eventually.

Friday night at the con there were no room parties, which makes me wonder what the hell that was about. So I opened up my room to a few people and we had adventures. Great times. The con suite smelled of baked ass, so I stayed out of it. I helped with the art show most of the time anyway. The dealer's room, art show and charity auction were very well put together I thought.

That Saturday my band played the second round of club wars and did not proceed to the finals. We're cool with that. We didn't want to do the gig in the first place. Or at least I didn't. They might have, I just wanted to go back to my hotel room and chill. Which I did do. It was a SUPER fun gig though, and we met some cool people. We had a lot of support.

I spent the next week or so hanging out with my ex girlfriend. We kind of revisited the best parts of our relationship before she had to move away yesterday. It was lovely. Bitter sweet. But thank the gods, goddesses, and underlings of gods and goddesses that let us part ways without broken hearts. I'm so thankful for that. I'm glad to know it can happen that way.

And yesterday I find out our band may be getting signed very soon, and a tour might be in the works. Holy shit. All these maybes and a guy could get his hopes up, huh? I'm going to stay pragmatic in this regard.

Zombie walk on Friday. Get your asses ready, we're going to freak out the crossroads!

Tucked under my windshield wiper, I received the following written on a little card. It is written exactly as it reads....

I THINK, I GOT MY SWAG BACK
Hosted by Comdian Rickey Ramsey
MAY 23, 2009
DOORS OPEN AT 9PM
18 TO ENTER 21 TO DRINK

"IF YOU NOT THERE, YOU A SQUARE"

$10 COVER FEE!!!

1809 troost kc, mo 64130

[Not so bad, but then I flipped it over]

First 100 callers get $1 off
If you have a T-mobile phone you get for a dollar off

anyone from luarence ks get in for $5 dollars (must show prove)
enter for only $8 dollars if you work at the following places
Mc Donalds, Encore, Sprint, T-mobile, ADT, Citi Bank, Wal-mart, Target

LADY WITH MOST SWAG WINS A BOTTLE OF NUVO
GENTLEMAN WITH THE MOST SWAG WINS A HUNDRED DOLLARS
LADY WITH THE NICEST APPLE BOTTOM RIDES OUT IN A LIMO WITH Comedian RICKEY RAMSEY
$5 DOLLAR RAFFLE TO RIDE HOME IN A LIMO
FREE BEER

Gentlemen: collar shirts/or Blazer to get in.
LADYS are encourage to wear leggens and dresses
watch SOUJAH BOY perform turn my swag on

I think we should go.

If you haven't gotten your room yet, go to the conquest website and click the link to the hotel. Today is the last day to get the lower rate.

I hope to see you there!
Curtis

If anybody wants to help me decorate my May Pole, please let me know.



www.youtube.com/watch

It's true, and I have an assignment for KCStage Magazine that you can help me with, and all identities will be kept totally anonymous. The piece will be an investigation into whether there is increasing disenchantment among KCRF participants/performers, and what, if there is, that's about. Since this is where most of my RF friends are, I thought I'd save myself some time and just post it here. Please take some time and let your voice be heard.

Please let it be clear that I am NOT on a smear campaign of any kind. I do not want to add to the devisive tone that prevails these days. I just want to understand, and make other people understand, what it is really like to work out there.

To preserve your anonymity, please send your answers to the following questions to my email address: cskippy2000@aol.com

Please elaborate as much as you possibly can, and it's ok if you can't or won't answer every question, or every detail of every question. I will likely email you with follow up questions, but will keep these general.

1.) Please give me some general details. How long have you been involved with RCRF, in what capacity do you participate, and how are you compensated (details will not be shared)?

2.) How do you feel about the place. What are it's good points/places to improve?

3.) Do you feel that you are treated fairly as an employee of the KCRF?

4.) What keeps you coming back year after year?

5.) If you've been performing/vending/participating for a long while, and can remember the days before management changed, please tell me how things changed, for the good as well as for the not-so-good.

6.) Describe to me how/when you got involved. I want the whole story.

That should be enough to get you started, and feel free to add whatever you like. If you know someone that would be interested in adding their voice, please send them to me. I need to hear from as many of you as possible.

Trust me when I tell you, this will be an AMAZING night. Troglodyte is one of my favorite bands EVER, and it'll be a privelage to play with them.

We're moving on to the next round.

The sound was terrible, and I mean terrible. Some bands'll say that if their vocals are weak in the monitors, but seriously, the sound guy was using 800 watt speakers for a 1500 watt system. A garbled mess, so we stepped it up, performance wise, and had a BLAST.

Saw lots of good bands and one really bad one. I have to recommend a band called "Domestic Brew." They were all older, like me, who already felt like the grandfather in the room. Seriously, all the other bands were in high school, which is why they had the gig at an all ages venue.

I think the next round of club wars is in June at Davey's Uptown. If we win, then it's the Beaumont club, then it's the Uptown Theater. That's where I want to play. That place is great.

Please come out and support us if you feel inclined. We promise we will do everything in our power to make sure you leave satisfied.

Welcome to the family!!!

Feast your eyes.

There are no words for how good that looks.

Oh and I figured out today that I've lost 40 pounds since late fall. Most of that was because I don't eat sugar (processed) anymore, and the rest because I joined Sweet Z's Boxing club. 30 more to go.

For my birthday, my band got me a kick ass CD. I'm going to share the track list with you now. Those guys know me so well.
( Read more... )

Read about it here.